so i had a conversation today… with someone who doesn’t really know me that well..
she knows i’m queer
knows i am in love with my gf
and knows we work for the same company…
i shared something with her that not many people outside of my girlfriend and some extremely close friends know…
and well now the cyber world will know… i’ve considered fully transitioning… but right now i’m looking into it heavily…
i love myself.. but i have a poor self image… i don’t like my body… or the way it looks
now seeing as that i was just in the hospital in late August of 2011 i have had every blood test known to man run on me and was given some very shocking but kinda awesome news…
typically they measure the levels of naturally occurring testosterone in the bio female body on a scale of 5 to 45… ya boi’s results came back as a 69!!!
awesome ass number if i do say so myself… they put me on a medication that was supposed to decrease this… it was supposed to help “regulate my cycle” and “decrease the growth of my facial hair”… not that i ever said my faicial hair was a problem for me…
So its like i feel i have a leg up in this journey already… like… hell i’m naturally producing “too much” of this hormone that i will eventually/possibly have to inject into my body…
why not use what i already have and see if that’s already enough? why not just commit to getting my body the way i want it?
I haven’t found the energy that i need to commit to making my body appear the way i want it to…
i need that spark of inspiration… i need that motivation… i need direction… and i need support…
So i got my binders today in the mail and needless to say i was disappointed in the compression tank. I didn’t realize when i ordered it that there would be such a HUGE difference in the fit of the tank model (997) and the muscle shirt model (974). Aside from the differences in the materials i didn’t think it would be that different. Boy was i wrong. The tank is a really thin mesh material but has absolutely NO give to it.. so if you plan on purchasing the tank make sure that you order an accurate size. I ordered a large in both models and was quite shocked that the tank wouldn’t go past my shoulders.
So if you are looking to order some Underworks I’d advise speaking with someone that already owns the model you are looking for as the sizing is obviously not the same in all models. i posted a picture earlier today of me in the muscle shirt.. i like how it feels on my skin and it moves and stretches.
I’m gonna attempt to exchange the tank for one of the correct size and i’ll keep you all posted when i get it!
Disclaimer: This post contains purely my experience and my ideas feel free to repost and comment. I apologize for the jumbled mess of thoughts.. this was a take two as the first post got delete by accident…
There was recently the discussion of Butch and the lowering numbers of women that identify as such. This is a recount of my experience with the word Butch and as I’d known it to be adapted and used.
In high school i had a tomboy female friend of Mexican descent. She isn’t queer but her family nickname was “butch”. This was the first time i heard the term and really ever had the chance to associate it with anything. She hated it. So much so that the first day of Senior year she had changed her whole persona. She was wearing makeup and tight clothes and her hair was tightly curled and flowing… she looked uncomfortable as hell but she asserted that this was the new her. When i asked her why she simply stated, “cause i’m tired of everyone thinking i’m gay when i’m not”.
So from the jump i had the assumption that “butch” was not cool or acceptable. When i began looking for a sense of community.. i looked around me and found… well nothing. I turned to the internet but when i was seeking other women that looked like me… because i had no term for it or label to identify with all i found was this word BUTCH… and when i saw what this word was associated with.. it wasn’t me.. because all i found was images of White women… no latinas, no asians, no blacks, no islanders, no middle eastern women… just WHITE women…
Growing up in the SF bay area i found little to no Black, Out Queer women to look up to. I found myself feeling isolated and alone for quite some time. When i did find other MOC/Tomboi/non-femme black women they all identified as Stud/Dom/Ag. Butch wasn’t a part of their vocabulary. So i guess its safe to assume that even within my initial knowledge of the Black LGBTQ community racism or adapting “white” labels was a no-go.
As i grew of course i found that the term “butch” could be applied cross-racially it was still never something i could hold on to or claim fully (meaning that’s not all that i am in my masculinity). To me its like the difference between Womanist and Feminist, there are certain cultural aspects to me that one embraces and the other doesn’t. I to this day don’t find many women of African descent that identify as butch, however in my experience i have found more API, Asian and Latina/Chicana women that have… i know there are those black/African-Descent women that do solely identify as butch so i’m not ignorant to their existence i’m just simply stating that from what I’ve lived they aren’t in abundance and i’m wondering if there is an inherent “race” associated with the label/term.
I strive to be that strong Stud/Butch/Ag/Dom role model that i didn’t have for this new generation of queer babies. I just hope that i’m doing a good job.
